because this is what happens when i don’t [grieve].

Tears have been just below the surface most of the moments lately.  I so needed permission to let them out.  Because it’s good and it’s cathartic and it’s healthy and it’s holy.  Yes, that.

But mostly because bad things happen when I don’t.

Like the last month of my life.

Because I’ve been avoiding grieving.  I’m been avoiding sensitive subjects.  I’ve avoided being alone with my thoughts or really even letting myself think.

And, I figured, why not let you in on a little of that?

It started when I watched an entire season of Friday Night Lights.  In one weekend.  Without ever getting dressed.  Amazing.  But then I realized some people might actually use the word pathetic, so I spent the next weekend signing up for every commitment ever known to man ever.


I joined a dance class. Desir80′s.  That’s an 80′s dance class taught by Desiree.  But that was only after I accidentally went to a hip hop class in my jazz sneakers and demonstrated just how white I am.

Volunteered at church.  Stalked the pastors of said church because they weren’t responding to my emails.  Set up a meeting where they now either think I am the best thing that ever walked though their doors, or they are afraid of my crazy and don’t know what to do with me.  It’s a toss up, really.

Researched grad schools.  Because I have all kinds of time and self-discipline.  Obviously.

Mormon Row Moulton Barn, Grand Teton National Park, WY

Considered buying a farm.  I don’t even know.  But actual research was done.

Bought a plane ticket.  To Colorado.  This might be the only actually sane thing I’ve accomplished.

Ordered myself a Stitch Fix.  They send clothes to my house.  Ok, this sounds pretty sane too.

Called five different counseling centers and got voicemail at each one.  They really think I’m going to document my crazy on their machine?  Because, clearly, that’s what this blog is for.

Committed to this flying by the seat of my pants incredibly well thought out month of blogging.  Did you know that the definition of forever is 31 days?  Because it is.

And then I went to see this change-your-life forever amazing concert.  But, seriously though.  I can’t do it justice.  So I won’t try.

And now you see why it’s important for me to let myself grieve.  Because there was a brief period of time where I almost ended up with a chicken coop in the backyard.

Thank you for your contributions.  Your vulnerability.  Your encouragement.  For letting down your guard and for acknowledging the loss.  This is holy work we’re doing here.

Does your crazy come out when you avoid processing and grieving?  What does it look like for you?

31 days of truth.

This post is part of 31 days of truth from the wilderness.  Click here to see all blogs in this series.

  • Ms Patti

    Soooo glad you are blogging and not in the chicken coop!!!
    Love you! Can’t wait to hug your neck!

  • Allison Johnston

    I think we all know the answer to the question of my crazy….

    • Kelly Chadwick

      Oh, yes. yes we do. :)

  • Jimmy

    Absolutely did the same thing… the worst part was that I tried to overcome grieving with success. I went to Thailand, did something impossible, influenced a bunch of people… and came home in worse shape than when I’d started. Maybe when we try and be superhuman strong in the midst of grieving we miss the point… I put myself out there only to have every effort feel like it ended in failure… and failure and I don’t do well when things are going well… let’s talk about failure during intense grieving… it got a little dark… just like you wrote… *sigh*

    • Kelly Chadwick

      This made me laugh out loud. mostly because of the “failure and I don’t do well when things aren’t going well” part. yep, i get it.

      • Jimmy

        You know one conclusion I HAVE come to during this whole deal? Everyone does SOMETHING to try and escape the pain. Seriously… I find myself doing things I 100% know are unhealthy for me, but even in the clarity of that mindset I do it anyway… How does that happen?!

  • Micah

    Oh, do I understand the crazy. I held onto mine so long that it all came bursting through in bouts of tears in the back row of karate practice (for the kid I nanny) last week. Needless to say, the abundance of strangers around had no idea what to do with me. Awesome.

    Loving this blog, Kel! You are certainly not alone in this wilderness. :)

    • Kelly Chadwick

      I love this karate story so much. I’m so glad I’m not alone!

  • Katy Chadwick

    Oh my goodness, Kel. I’m sitting in the hallway at Teacher’s Convention laughing out loud. Good stuff.

  • Stephanie Pridgen

    Thanks so much for your honesty. While this blog certainly made me laugh, I admit my own crazy comes out and far too often here in Ukraine where it seems I avoid processing and grieving like it may kill me. So then I end up in the basement storage room of church sitting on the floor crying because I can’t find sugar or signing up for 6 online classes because, of course, I can make time for that plus Russian lessons plus a job plus a social life plus the 589 books on my Kindle…

    • Kelly Chadwick

      Oh, I can’t even imagine what kinds of crazy I would come up with in Ukraine!

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