Tears have been just below the surface most of the moments lately. I so needed permission to let them out. Because it’s good and it’s cathartic and it’s healthy and it’s holy. Yes, that.
But mostly because bad things happen when I don’t.
Like the last month of my life.
Because I’ve been avoiding grieving. I’m been avoiding sensitive subjects. I’ve avoided being alone with my thoughts or really even letting myself think.
And, I figured, why not let you in on a little of that?
It started when I watched an entire season of Friday Night Lights. In one weekend. Without ever getting dressed. Amazing. But then I realized some people might actually use the word pathetic, so I spent the next weekend signing up for every commitment ever known to man ever.
I joined a dance class. Desir80′s. That’s an 80′s dance class taught by Desiree. But that was only after I accidentally went to a hip hop class in my jazz sneakers and demonstrated just how white I am.
Volunteered at church. Stalked the pastors of said church because they weren’t responding to my emails. Set up a meeting where they now either think I am the best thing that ever walked though their doors, or they are afraid of my crazy and don’t know what to do with me. It’s a toss up, really.
Researched grad schools. Because I have all kinds of time and self-discipline. Obviously.
Considered buying a farm. I don’t even know. But actual research was done.
Bought a plane ticket. To Colorado. This might be the only actually sane thing I’ve accomplished.
Ordered myself a Stitch Fix. They send clothes to my house. Ok, this sounds pretty sane too.
Called five different counseling centers and got voicemail at each one. They really think I’m going to document my crazy on their machine? Because, clearly, that’s what this blog is for.
Committed to this
flying by the seat of my pants incredibly well thought out month of blogging. Did you know that the definition of forever is 31 days? Because it is.
And then I went to see this change-your-life forever amazing concert. But, seriously though. I can’t do it justice. So I won’t try.
And now you see why it’s important for me to let myself grieve. Because there was a brief period of time where I almost ended up with a chicken coop in the backyard.
Thank you for your contributions. Your vulnerability. Your encouragement. For letting down your guard and for acknowledging the loss. This is holy work we’re doing here.
Does your crazy come out when you avoid processing and grieving? What does it look like for you?
This post is part of 31 days of truth from the wilderness. Click here to see all blogs in this series.